The phone rang.
\nShe was sobbing badly on the other end of the line. \u201cI\u2019m going over,\u201d I told her and hung up before she could protest.<\/p>\n
1am. It was going to be a long night ahead.. She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn\u2019t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe broke up with me,\u201d she finally said.
\nI just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.
\n\u201cWhy does love have to hurt so much?\u201d
\n\u201cNo, love.. doesn\u2019t hurt,\u201d I said gently.
\n\u201cSo says the guy who\u2019s been single forever? What would you know about love,\u201d she jabbed.
\n\u201cSo says the guy who\u2019s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,\u201d I grinned. \u201cLove doesn\u2019t hurt you.. it\u2019s the person that doesn\u2019t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,\u201d.
\n\u201cYou won\u2019t understand, Matt,\u201d she sighed, \u201cyou\u2019ve never been in love\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s not entirely true, you know..\u201d
\n\u201cWait what- so who\u2019s this girl I\u2019ve never heard abou-\u201c
\n\u201cWhat did you love about #4 anyway?\u201d I interjected.
\n\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026 he is just perfect. And I love him so much,\u201d
\n\u201cBut you don\u2019t know what it is that you love about him?\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s just.. the feeling when I\u2019m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s it? Just a feeling?\u201d
\n\u201cWell.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?\u201d
\n\u201c.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he\u2019s so \u2018perfect\u2019, why\u2019d he still chea- erm, why\u2019d he leave you?\u201d
\n\u201cBecause I\u2019m just not good enough for him? I don\u2019t know..\u201d she paused. \u201cWhat is love to you then\u2026\u201d
\n\u201cHmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don\u2019t always go together..\u201d
\n\u201cOr maybe.. someone\u2019s just not trying?\u201d
\n\u201cWell if you think love is so simple.. why haven\u2019t you been with anyone all these years?\u201d
\n\u201cI never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I\u2019ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,\u201d
\n\u201cYou have.. a checklist?\u201d
\n\u201cSorta. It\u2019s not the typical kinda \u2018I\u2019d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc\u2019 superficial checklist though,\u201d
\n\u201cOh. What kind of list is it then?\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.\u201d
\n\u201cYou have a concept of love?\u201d she laughed. \u201cLove isn\u2019t a theory, Matt.. you can\u2019t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..\u201d
\n\u201cBut you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don\u2019t think that\u2019s love, that\u2019s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial \u2018I don\u2019t know why I love him\/her.. I just do\u2019 reason,\u201d
\n\u201cThat makes sense. So what exactly is this.. \u2018concept\u2019 of yours about?\u201d she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.
\n\u201cI call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it\u2019s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It\u2019s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we\u2019d be able to find that one specific reason. That\u2019s not love though. That\u2019s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you\u2019ll be pretty sure that it\u2019s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I\u2019ll ever fall in love with a girl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.
\nThe mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don\u2019t mean the academic smarts.. it\u2019s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It\u2019s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument\u2019s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It\u2019s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she\u2019ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that\u2019s incredibly alluring,\u201d
\n\u201cOoh.. so my best friend\u2019s sapiosexual too,\u201d she teased. \u201cBut what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that\u2019s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..\u201d
\nShe bit her lower lip – thinking. \u201cBut what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?\u201d
\n\u201cErm.. you do realize that it doesn\u2019t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,\u201d. I really meant it.
\n\u201cI don\u2019t think he even cares about me anymore,\u201d she sighed, \u201cmaybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don\u2019t know why I never actually realize it before,\u201d
\n\u201cMaybe because then, you were too \u2018blinded by love\u2019 to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it\u2019s critical for two people to understand each other\u2019s heart and learn to accommodate each other\u2019s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear \u2018because I love him and that\u2019s all that matters\u2019. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.\u201d
\n\u201cI don\u2019t really understand..\u201d she said.
\n\u201cLet me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?”
\n\u201cWell, no.. not really. He\u2019s more the sports kind of guy and doesn\u2019t like theatre and stuff so I didn\u2019t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn\u2019t interested in..\u201d
\n\u201cThen i\u2019m guessing he probably also doesn\u2019t care or know the little things about you. Like how you\u2019re afraid of the dark and why you\u2019re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I\u2019m even going to bet that he doesn\u2019t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..\u201d
\nShe started to tear again, but I continued..
\n\u201cYou see, it\u2019s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it\u2019s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn\u2019t even know these things about you, then he really doesn\u2019t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?\u201d
\n\u201cBut I really loved him,\u201d she murmured softly to herself .
\n\u201cI know you did. I know you still do and it\u2019s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you\u2019re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he\u2019d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He\u2019d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He\u2019ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he\u2019ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it\u2019ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn\u2019t just a feeling or who you\/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other\u2019s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,\u201d
\nShe stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.
\n\u201cBut.. what if something that\u2019s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?”
\n\u201cThen I\u2019ll try-\u201d I caught myself. \u201cI mean, if I were him. I\u2019d try. I\u2019d make the effort.. because it\u2019s important to you and you\u2019re important to me,\u201d
\nShe remained silent again. She wasn\u2019t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.
\n\u201cMatt,\u201d she finally spoke – softly, \u201cdo you believe in love at first sight?\u201d
\n\u201cNo.\u201d I said flatly.
\n\u201cOh..\u201d she sighed. \u201cYou know what you said about mind and heart.. it\u2019s actually starting to sink in and I\u2019m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren\u2019t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,\u201d
\n\u201cSo what made you fall in love with him then?\u201d
\n\u201cWell.. don\u2019t laugh, but I\u2019ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,\u201d
\n\u201cCos he was hot?\u201d I scoffed.
\n\u201cNo.. don\u2019t be an idiot,\u201d she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. \u201cOkay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn\u2019t the only reason!\u201d
\nI raised an eyebrow.
\n\u201cHe was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,\u201c she began her defense case. \u201cHe always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?\u201d I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. \u201cOh never mind, you\u2019d never understand..\u201d
\n\u201cActually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.<\/p>\n
The body aspect.
\nThe body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence. I don\u2019t believe in love at first sight. I don\u2019t believe you can just \u201cinstantly know\u201d you\u2019re in love or that someone\u2019s THE one just by \u201cfirst sight\u201d. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn\u2019t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight\u201d.
\n\u201cWhat nonsense! It\u2019s not like I was lusting over him from the very first time I laid eyes on him! Maybe it\u2019s the case for guys.. I mean, sex is always on a guy\u2019s mind whenever he meets a girl right? But it\u2019s different for girls, Matt..\u201d she protested.
\n\u201cOkay. You know what.. since you brought up the age-old guys and sex debate, I\u2019ll tell you this secret to clarify something about guys for the first and last time.. probably 99% of guys are naturally sexual. If you ever meet any guy who tells you he isn\u2019t sexual at all, it\u2019s not that he\u2019s gay \u2013 no, gays are even more horny .. he\u2019s likely to be a liar and you should be more wary of him. BUT! Here\u2019s the thing.. even though guys are sexual by nature, it isn\u2019t always the only or most important thing to a guy,\u201d
\n\u201cReally?\u201d now she raised her eyebrow with that annoying smirk on her face.
\n\u201cOh come on, you girls know how it is, plus you aren\u2019t exactly saint-like innocent either.. sometimes you see a hot guy and you start fantasizing or making statements like \u2018omg have my babies\u2019..\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2026\u201d she started blushing.
\n\u201cThat.. is exactly my point. It\u2019s the same with guys. We might talk and think about sex a lot more openly than girls but it isn\u2019t always the only thing on our mind. When I said it\u2019s lust at first sight.. I didn\u2019t literally mean you want the guy naked and in bed. What I meant is the momentary attraction or desire\u2013 he might be hot, he might be charming, he might have smiled at you that made you feel a certain way.. but that\u2019s not love. That\u2019s really just a superficial physical attraction. Saying \u201cI\u2019m in love\u201d right there and then just completely takes the special meaning out of the word \u2018love\u2019. If you ask me, I personally think the process of loving or falling in love with someone involves discovering the person and then perhaps developing feelings. It could happen quickly or over a longer period of time, but not at first sight,\u201d
\n\u201cHmm.. that does make sense,\u201d she paused and then her lips curled up forming that annoying smirk again.
\n\u201cOh wow, this is the first time you and I are talking about sex huh..\u201d.
\n\u201cYou never asked..\u201d
\n\u201cTell me then.. what is sex to you?\u201d
\n\u201cSex.. to me, is merely a physical act. I am not part of the whole \u201csex is sacred\/taboo\u201d camp but then, I don\u2019t take sides with the whole bed hopping culture either,\u201d
\n\u201cI can\u2019t believe you just said that sex is merely a physical act..\u201d she began in a disappointed tone.
\n\u201cBut sex really is just a physical act if it\u2019s without emotions or feelings. And that is why I distinguish between sex and making love, the same way I clearly differentiate \u2018loving\u2019 and \u2018being in love\u2019 with someone,\u201d
\n\u201cOh.\u201d this time, she smiled. She understood.
\n\u201cDon\u2019t get me wrong.. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but for me, the one physical aspect that matters the most.. is the physical presence. That, is also what I reckon made you fall in love with him.
\n\u201cOkay this, I really want to know\u2026\u201d she said.
\n\u201cThe physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you\u2019re with him, but in a good way \u2013 in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can\u2019t happen, you know you don\u2019t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you\u2019re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you\u2019re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it\u2019s going to be okay again. Because you\u2019re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you\u2019re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..\u201d<\/p>\n
Which leads to the fourth aspect \u2013 soul.
\nThe soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we\u2019ve truly fallen in love with a person.
\nIt\u2019s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws – especially the flaws. It\u2019s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It\u2019s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the \u201choneymoon everything is perfect\u201d period.
\nIt\u2019s when you finally realize this one person is someone you can always and want to tell everything to, and you want to ask and know everything of him or her as well. It\u2019s when you actually want to share your life and trust your secrets with this person; and you can. This someone is the first person you think of when you\u2019re happy, sad or when something significant happens. This same person is someone you can call at 1am in the morning and they\u2019d drop everything to make time for you, staying by you till the sun rises or you\u2019re better again – as you would for him or her as well. This person cares and will listen. Will really listen, giving you their undivided attention and genuine love; not necessarily every time but any time you need him or her. This one person makes your problem their problem and they go through it together with you just so you don\u2019t have to go through the pain and tears alone,\u201d
\nIt was at this moment, for the very first time, she looked at me in a different way but said nothing.
\n\u201cYou see, the soul aspect..\u201d I continued, \u201cis when you start to see and want to share the rest of your life with this one other. And not in a clingy \u201cI can\u2019t live without you\u201d way, but in a way that I can still live my life without you as I have before I met you, but now that you\u2019ve come to exist in my life, I see the possibility of a life with you and now I actually want to make decisions and live a life, continuing to create more moments and memories together with you\u201d.
\n\u201cWell.. so.. have you met this one person yet? I mean, I\u2019m sure it\u2019s almost impossible to find that \u2018perfect\u2019 girl who fulfills all of your four aspects of love right?\u201d she mumbled. I could barely hear her. She wasn\u2019t even looking at me anymore.
\n\u201cNo, it is not impossible and I don\u2019t think its asking for too much. You see the thing about these four aspects is, we often and will find one or two aspects in many different people. And that alone may be enough to make us attracted to them or develop a crush on them. But really, that is not love at all. If we like a person because \u201che\u2019s cute\u201d or \u201cthe way she thinks\u201d, that\u2019s just us liking the body and\/or mind aspect of a person. The reality is, we are always going to meet many people who possess these different aspects of mind, heart, body or soul. But on a rare occasion when you do meet someone who possess all these four aspects.. you\u2019ll almost definitely know that he or she is not one of many but may just be the one. So personally, I won\u2019t settle for anything less unless she possess more than three qualities. You know people write the symbol of love as < 3 (less than three), I actually think love should be more than three.. I define it as 4+1. \u201c
\n\u201cSo what\u2019s plus one?\u201d she asked, still not looking at me.
\n\u201cPlus one\u2026\u201d I trailed off \u2013 unconsciously.
\n\u201cMatt?\u201d she placed her hand on top of mine, finally looking me in eye again.
\n\u201cPlus one.. is something only the one who's meant to be will ever know and hold the answer to\u201d.<\/p>\n
end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The phone rang. She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line. \u201cI\u2019m going over,\u201d I told her and hung up before she could protest. 1am. It was going to be a long night ahead.. She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn\u2019t have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-66","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-artikel-pengembangan-diri"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/66","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=66"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/66\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=66"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=66"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/catatanstefano.ddns.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=66"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}